Dear Love, About Boxing Day...

I haven't blogged in months.

This is mostly because I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety in this time and had the (decidedly disabling) thought that if I blogged at all, I should write about anxiety...

Turns out that it is kind of anxiety inducing to write about anxiety.

So I'm cutting myself free of that for now and I'm sure I'll write about it eventually, just not when it's a "should" write about that, but instead a "want to" write about that.

I'm going to write instead about something very currently important.

Dear Love,

I need to talk to you about Boxing Day.

Yes, December 26th. It's on a Saturday this year.

(It's not important that it's on a Saturday, I was just pointing it out because I'm nervous.)

So here the thing... Boxing Day is a big deal for my mom's side of the family; it's a big family reunion and all that jazz.

And, well, I was kinda hoping you would be able to come this year.

BUT that probably won't happen (let's face it, the window of time is a little unrealistically small even with it months away), so that sucks.

My extended family is made of great people, but still this annual reunion is always a bit of a sour reminder of my singleness.

I'm the youngest one there (besides the kids of the next generation) so it's not entirely unreasonable that I am one of the only two single people remaining, but still there's always at least one haha-so-funny cousin that elbows the two of us and says "So... *waggling eyebrows* Who's next?? EhEh?"

Ha ha.

But more than the thought of yet another year arm-candy-less (I've handled that fine enough before now), it sucks in particular that you will (probably) miss THIS year.

...I will not cry.

Seriously, this is upsetting enough on it's own, you poor-timing-ed jerk!!

For every year I can remember, this gathering has been in one place -- my aunt and uncle's farm house.

I love this house and the way that the whole family fits in it and all the memories that have been made there and how they fill my heart to the brim!!  I want you to see it so badly!!

But... This is probably the last year that I will have the opportunity to show it to you... Dang it, now I am crying.

It sucks that I, not only (probably) have to show up single again, but I will maybe never have the chance to be in that house with you possibly... ever...

It was a milestone -- bringing the boyfriend to that reunion at that house -- that I never even thought to imagine not hitting.

I think that's why it sucks so much.

It's sad when you realize you've taken something for granted, but it's especially sad to realize you've realized it too late.

...I wish it wasn't nearly, probably too late.

There's still time, but not very much of it... I believe in us, but even that seems like a stretch, doesn't it?  Who knows, maybe I'll be surprised.

We'll see.

Love, Em.